butcherbilly

(Genesis 6:13-17) "For behold, I will bring a flood of waters upon the earth to destroy all flesh in which is the breath of life under heaven. Everything that is on the earth shall die. Make yourself an ark and fill it with all the billionaires in the world", said the Lord to Noah.

(Exodus 31:18) When the Lord finished emailing Moses on Mount Sinai, he gave him the two tablets of the covenant law, the iPads crafted by the fingers of Steve Jobs. So by the divine powers of the 5G, Moses downloaded data from the cloud, and made them go viral on social media.

Verified (Exodus 4:24-25) God is pissed at Moses, for some reason. The wife knew the only thing that could appease the Lord's wrath... is their son's foreskin! "Surely a bloody husband art thou to me!", said Zipporah.

(Job 1:6-8) The Lord was bored, so he decided to have some fun. He said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.” So the Lord placed a bet with the Devil over His lab rat.

While they are still standing on their feet

(Ecclesiastes 1:2-11) "Vanity of vanities! All is vanity. And there is nothing new under the sun, until the next social app comes out to dethrone TikTok", saith the Preacher.

(Ezekiel 25:17) You wouldn't like Him when He's angry.

(Genesis 19:26) Then the Lord rained on Sodom and Gomorrah sulfur and fire from the Lord out of heaven. But Lot's wife, behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt. Why a pillar of salt? God knows, literally. Then Lot happily accepted the Lord's punishment on his wife by singing an old song by George Michael, and didn't look back. Then Lot and his daughters went to live inside a cave, where even more truly horrible things happened afterwards.

(1 Kings 3:25) So they brought a sword before the king. And the king said, “Divide the living child in two, and give half to one, and half to the other”, said King Solomon in all of his benevolence and kindness.

The Holy Bible

(Luke 1:35) The angel answered her, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. Therefore also the holy one who is born from you will be called the Son of God." Despite the relevant message, she couldn't be bothered and remained silent. "Don't you hate that? Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?", she thought.

(1 Samuel 17) Then David put his hand in his bag and took out a stone; and he slung it and struck the Philistine in his forehead, so that the stone sank into his forehead, and he fell on his face to the earth. So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone, and struck the Philistine and killed him. The slingshot is mightier than the sword.

(Matthew 14:8-11) “Give me here on a platter the head of John the Baptist.” The king was distressed, but ordered that Salome’s request be granted. John The Baptist's head was brought in on a platter and given to Salome. "Dance til you're dead", said the song.

(Matthew 8:28-34) Jesus was taking a leisurely stroll through a demon-infested tomb when two violent heretics began flailing about in front of him. They sarcastically asked if the "Son of God" had come to torture them for being possessed. Before Jesus could answer, a herd of pigs came thundering over a nearby hill. For some reason, the demons possessing the men pleaded to be allowed to enter the pigs. Jesus permitted this, and soon after, the classic rock band "Jesus and the Demon Pigs" was officially formed, and people from the local town were shocked, telling Jesus to leave their land immediately. Then the band left and started touring around the world.

(John 11:43) When Jesus had said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” The man who had died opened his eyes, and horribly rose from his tomb. At that moment, he felt the hunger for living brains. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go. Let the zombie apocalypse begin!"

(Revelations 13:15-18) "Let the one who has understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man, and his number is 666. What did I see? Can I believe?. That what I saw that night was real and not just fantasy?"

(Luke 22:48) But Jesus said to him, “Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?” Surely there was an impostor among us.

I'm back, bitches.

(Isaiah 1:18) “Come now, let us reason together", says the Lord: "though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool. Each one is so special in his own way. The Lord is the leader and he's such a good sport. The get along gang, get along gang."

How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! The devil will find work for idle hands to do. I stole and I lied, and why? Because you asked me to!